Polyamory Paradigm - The Blog

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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Out of control. . .


Hi there I am hoping in a way this will be cathartic, as I have yet to tell anyone about the last few months. First you need some history then  I promise I'll get to the point, maybe someone else has experienced the same?

 My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers for 25 years now and neither of us had any relationships before each other, (yes I know I now feel like the weird one). In a way it was nice knowing that about each other. ( I feel that had we known polyamory was an option back then, we would have embraced it).We have 3 children, now teenagers, one with special needs who have taken up all of our  emotional energy on every level. Our motto was divide and conquer as neither of us has ever had any family support so we just got on with, our family life and our busy professional careers. We have indeed conquered from the perspective of the outside world. I thought this was life and had settled into the everyday comfort of routine and day to day activity. A few months back, however I discovered by accident that my husband had developed feelings for a work colleague after a work trip interstate and that her husband had already said he was polyamorous despite not acting on it and she was aware of it but had never acted on it either until now. I was more upset that he hadn't shared this with me and had kept this emotional relationship hidden for almost a year for fear of hurting me. He said he feels polyamorous and that he wants to explore this lifestyle in more detail We have talked about this and to his surprise I agreed to let him explore this with this partner which he is currently doing.

The real question is, this lifestyle is so lovely and open and honest that I'd really love to be a part of it and to develop true compersion. I am genuinely happy when I see my partner so happy and fulfilled, but I also hurt deeply and feel very let down that I had no control over it happening and I am not sure if I can manage the pain it causes me every time I know he's with his other partner. I am not sure where those feelings come from, as logically this is completely the right thing to do as he is a genuinely deeply loving man and hates that he's hurting me so much. But he feels he really needs this relationship as well, and it makes sense on every level, but the emotional part of my brain wont cooperate. I assume it will get less over time, or if I ever have another partner, which he'd love me to do as well and experience what he has, but I rarely have the opportunity to meet others outside my female dominated work ( I am hetrosexual)so this is unlikely given my busy work and family life. so I guess I'd like to know, if others have been through this, what can I do to become more comfortable with this, I have done a lot of research and this has helped some, but I'd love some real suggestions as well. I still have very long life to live and want it to be great.

F&T