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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My first poly relationship and my hubby is having problems!

Question: I've recently become involved with a man in my first real poly relationship. My husband is now having problems. What should I do? (Note: the questioner is female). We have been having some other minor issues and this isn't helping.

Answer from PP:
New relationships can be a challenge even for experienced poly's. Keep that in mind when your husband is upset.
First, I have to say, the old adage of "Relationship broken, add more people = disaster" is true in a lot of cases. You are going to need to be careful here.

After hearing a description of the two men it is obvious the new guy is more of a manly-man and boisterous, while your husband is more of a quiet intellectual. That could cause some friction between the two men. Keeping them apart to avoid friction is one option, though that could breed more jealousy. Getting them together may help your husband realize New Guy isn't such a threat. I can't really recommend either path since I don't know either man well, or exactly what each is feeling.

Either way, supporting your husband will be very important in resolving things. Let him know the New Guy isn't the end to your relationship. Reaffirm it for him regularly, letting him know he is still loved and your feelings for him haven't changed or better yet, have grown stronger with the freedom you are now enjoying.
Tone down the NRE a bit around your hubby. You may not realize you are bubbly so pay attention to your actions. Sparky NRE around your hubby may only add strength to his negative feelings.
If/when you are with both men at the same time make an extra effort to distribute affection equally so there is no appearance of playing favorites.
When you spend time with your hubby make sure it is uninterrupted by the New Guy. Give him your full attention and focus so he knows you really want to be with him. No phone calls or texting!
Find a schedule that distributes your time fairly while meeting the needs of your husband. It may not be exactly the schedule you want right now so consider it a compromise until his feelings have softened a bit.
If New Guy has another partner consider double-dating. If you husband sees that New Guy has other interests it may help abate any jealousy he might be having.
Open communication with your hubby if it isn't already. Make sure he knows that he has a safe way to voice his concerns and that you are not only listening to them but want to help resolve them with him.

Remember, as happy as you are right now your husband may be feeling just as unhappy. If nothing else, try to be gentle and more understanding than usual. With patience and time he should start feeling better about things.

PP

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